Mood balancing

I am having trouble finding balance. The more I try to focus in one thing at the time, the more thoughts flow from side to side on my mind. Thoughts are unstoppable and sometimes repetitive and obsessive. But how do we control our thoughts in order to not be affected emotionally?

A few days ago I attended a workshop called “Managing your mood” at University of Manitoba. When I heard about it, I thought: It is free, I can learn something new from there, I have just finished the winter term at U of M, so I could not think of a better time to go.

One of the most important things that I learnt there was to monitor as well as recognize the cognitive distortions that our mind builds, such as overgeneralization and all-or-nothing thinking. While we were talking about all these types of distortions during the group session, I felt good when I realized that I was not the only one who had experienced all these distortions of reality.

To all the good guys my sincere apologies in behalf of those girls who often say: “All men are the same” or “All men are liars”. This is an example of overgeneralization. Because we had a bad experience once, it does not mean that we would have the same problem again with other guys. Unfortunately, life does not work like that. The human being recognizes most easily those qualities in a person or thing which we have seen before. Each of us think about new experiences in terms of old experiences.

On the other hand, the all-or-nothing thinking involves seeing only one extreme or another: We are right or wrong, good or bad and so on. Under this umbrella, everything seems black and white with no “in-between” shades of grey. These thoughts lead to a kind of perfectionism that defines everything short of 100% as a failure.

This is what happened to me a few weeks ago. I was not getting the grades I was expecting in one of the three courses I was taking. No more “A”s, but “C”s and “D”s. I was trying really hard to get a higher score but still it seems that was not enough. And I started feeling disappointed about myself. My perfectionist part was drowning myself in a dark well with neither light nor escape. This tough moment made me realize that I was having too much weight over my shoulders and it was not helping me at all. So I decided to give me a break, put away everything which was interfering with my well-being and dropped that course.

Attending to this workshop gave me a different perspective. It helped me to notice and respond realistically to negative thoughts and distortions as they arise and interrupt the cycle of positive mood. Besides, it gave me a better idea about how I can manage my thoughts in order to avoid feeling bad about them and start having a better mood balancing.

When we are under too much stress, it does not help. Stress make us see everything worst than what it is in reality. Also, when we experience a period of depressed or anxious mood it may exacerbate distorted thinking.

Sometimes our thoughts, which are built from our past experiences, can bring pain and suffer to us. However, according to Eckhart Tolle, if you cannot accept what is outside, then accept what is inside. This means: Do not resist the pain. But keep breathing. As Albert Einstein once said: "Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving".

Change after change

Recently I have asked myself some questions such as: Who am I? Am I the same person who I was five years ago? How much have I changed from then? Are we changing all the time or are the events that happened which make us feel different?

As time passes, people grow up and relationships change. What my friends and I used to talk about when we were teenagers are no longer our topics of conversation nowadays. Now, at my 27 years old, most of our more common topics are based on our love-relationships, how it is work going on and teasing each other regards of who would be the next one getting married or having kids. I am sure this is not the same case for guys because they do not like too much to talk about their relationships unless, maybe, they are having some drinks.

There is this pressure from the outside to have a career that is respected and well-paid, be married and have children. If any person in their late thirties does not meet these three requisites people may start thinking what is wrong with he/she? Why everybody is expecting that from everybody else? Is everyone afraid of breaking the social norms because of their fear of change?

I must say it I am not good while dealing with changes. I do not like them because they make me feel unstable. And unfortunately, many changes are not scheduled but they just occur. This might be a little hard for those people who want to have control of almost everything in their lives. I should include me in this list.

However, change can have a hopeful and positive face. I do think that people can enhance their coping skills in the more dramatic circumstances. They can turn more fearless, feel stronger or in the worst scenario be more fearful and resentful. There are those who have made the best decisions in their lives under the worst circumstances. Steve Jobs (1955-2011) decided to start over with the company Pixar after he was fired from Apple. By the way, I think everybody should see his video “How to live before you die”. Neil Pasricha, started his blog "1000 Awesome Things" after his wife left him and his best friend comitted suicide.

Life is changing constantly. What we have now is because something that we had before is gone. In other words, nothing remains without change. As Heraclitus (535-475 BCE) once wrote there is nothing permanent except for change. As of me, I am just looking forward to turn the page for keep reading the next chapter of my book. Of course, I do not expect having a traditional life just a happy one.

Writing can change the way you think

I start writing since I was 10, I think. I created my first blog Respiro de Vida in 2009. The only difference is that it was written in Spanish. With this new blog Faked expectations, I want to explore writing a blog but in English. I was doing exercises when this idea came up into my head. And I thought: Why not?

My biggest fear was in regards of grammar which I consider is not too bad but I am aware that I need to get more practice though. One month ago, I got a "C+" on a paper due to grammar and APA style. I felt so frustrated that I promised to do something about it. I did not want that to affect my grade point average and the more important I did not want to think that I was not good enough for studying a Pre-Masters degree.

Before I started studying my Pre-Masters in the Department of Family Social Sciences I had a hard time while trying to meet the English criteria requirement to be accepted as a graduate student at University of Manitoba. I needed to pass the TOEFL exam with at least 80 points in order to apply for studying a Masters degree. Guess what? The first time I took it, I only had 69. I thought I would not be able to do it. There are still missing too much points. However, after studying four months in an English institution I felt more prepared and confident for taking the TOEFL again.

I felt desesperated while waiting for the exam results. I have never had too much patience when waiting for something. Suddenly, I received an email which said that my score was available to check it online. I had pressure on my head and my fingertips were on the top of my nails (I do that when I feel anxious). I was having so many expectations about this new score. I needed at least 80. Suddenly, I saw it: 73 points. I felt dissapointed. And mad. And depressed.

It took me a long way to decide what was going to be the next step. I had two choices: take the exam again or register in the AEPUCE program for three months. This is a three-month intensive course which prepares students to get into university. In case I chose the second option, I did not have to write the exam again but I needed to pass this program with at least 65% for being accepted as a graduate student.

After writing the TOEFL exam one more time(this was the third time)and failed again, I finally realized that the test was not an option for me anymore. So I decided to take the AEPUCE program. Those three months were super-high-intensive but I felt proud at the end. I finished this program with 85%. I learnt very good grammar skills. I improved my speaking and writing considerably. And the more important I met beautiful people from different parts of the world who taught me a lot about life, culture, love and relationships.

I have never been very good at exams, I rather prefer writing papers/assignments/essays. I love writing. Writing is the best way of expression to me: I can edit my own thoughts and analyze my own feelings. And the more I organized them, I understand myself as well. I learn from my experience and see my past in a different way. The truth is the more you learn the more you realize how much you did not know at first place.